I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
