why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
