she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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