I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
