So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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