im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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