genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
