She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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