I just made out with a guy for $7.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
