grandma shit on top of the toilet
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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