you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
