So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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