On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
