brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
