He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
