update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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