I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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