the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I have aggressive nipples.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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