My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
