just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
These tits shall not be calmed
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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