Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
