yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
