I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
