you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
