So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
