It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize