Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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