Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
