Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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