Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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