I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize