I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
she told me i tasted like america
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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