she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
