i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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