I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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