Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
try to milk me bitch
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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