The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
