his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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