Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
