oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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