Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Two words: nipple clamps
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