Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
