I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
