chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
