I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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