We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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