my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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