just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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