$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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