I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
