i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
