The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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