thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
