sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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