The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize