dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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