My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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