Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
