Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
