We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
try to milk me bitch
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