if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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