seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
