found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
