then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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