I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
